I Don't Want This for Christmas #7

Man Eaters From Outer Space Waterproof Vibrator
This may be the single dumbest thing I've ever seen, even among the rogue's gallery I've already posted. But it's actually a bit different. It's got a vibrator inside and (I believe) you squeeze it to control the vibrator. The business end of this thing? That's right, it's the mouth. But unlike almost everything else, you don't actually go into anything, you just stroke across that mouth/channel.

Don't ask me,I'm not buying one; but the reviews I've seen haven't exactly been raves.

Oh yeah, and it's glow-in-the-dark. So if you wake up in the middle of the night it's easy to find.

Well, if you're like most people you're probably stressed out and tired and ready for Christmas to come and be gone already. Hopefully these toys gave you a laugh.

Merry Christmas, folks.

I Don't Want This for Christmas #6

Penthouse Laura Doone 1974 hairy pussy
This will give me nightmares. It's what I always pictured Ethel Merman's pussy looked like.

There's an episode of the 60s cartoon Super Chicken where the villian was a giant toupee, and this looks a helluva lot like it.

They should sell this to compete with Fleshlight's Stamina Training Units, because all you have to do is take a good look at this and it'll cool things down rapidly.

I Don't Want This For Christmas #5

Lotus Pussy Masturbator
Every time I think I see the worst male toy out there, I stumble on something worse. And if you think it looks bad from that angle, follow the link and take a look at the side.

I have no idea what this thing is supposed to be. I assume it's supposed to be a flower stamped onto a pair of disembodied boobs, but to me it looks like roadkill of some kind.

I'm not even sure where you're supposed to stick your john thomas.

I think it's a sex toy for a horror movie. If I saw that thing attached to my crotch, I'd scream like a little girl.

I Don't Want This For Christmas #4

Wet suction cup Setsugetsuka

Actually, I almost do want this--it's so insane how can you not like it? Four entries, no waiting! I'd suggested to a friend it would work great as a dildo/vibrator holder, like a knife rack on a kitchen countertop.

If you really want a hoot, read the description in its tortured english.

I Don't Want This For Christmas #3

Cyberflesh Mouth and Breasts
Two good things that don't go together here. The photo is actually less ridiculous here because typically I see it pictured upright, where it looks like some kind of alien. Here it looks like mutant fish.

Even if I were stuck on a lake by myself with nothing but a tacklebox and that gawdawful smelly garlic cheese bait, would I ever consider fucking this thing. Seriously--someone had to look at this thing and say, yeah, I'd sick my cock in that. Really???

Actually, that's a video I'd like to see on one of the x-rated tube sites. I think it would be comedy gold.

I Don't Want This For Christmas #2

This is in Japanese but you can figure it out from the photos.

There's so much easy comedy there that I'm not going to bother. I'll treat it seriously: on one hand it looks somewhat safe, in that if anything goes wrong, the toy portion of it is going to fall off. There is no firm physical connection between you and it.

On the other hand, even if it works, it looks like you could end up with friction burns. That's one of the last parts of my body that I want burned. One day I was cutting up chili peppers and got it on my hands, which eventually got there, and I thought that was hellish enough.

I Don't Want This For Christmas #1

I can't believe they sell these things.

Dirk Yates KP-20 Cyberskin Knob Polisher
WTF??? This must be a gag gift, because it worries me to picture the kind of psycho ex-vet or (worse) vet-wannabe who'd want to stick his dick into that thing. Who in their right mind would want to fuck a grenade? And if you do, then something made out of rubber isn't going to do it; you need to get down to the Army Surplus store and pick a (hopefully) inert one and do it right.