I Don't Want This for Christmas #7

Man Eaters From Outer Space Waterproof Vibrator
This may be the single dumbest thing I've ever seen, even among the rogue's gallery I've already posted. But it's actually a bit different. It's got a vibrator inside and (I believe) you squeeze it to control the vibrator. The business end of this thing? That's right, it's the mouth. But unlike almost everything else, you don't actually go into anything, you just stroke across that mouth/channel.

Don't ask me,I'm not buying one; but the reviews I've seen haven't exactly been raves.

Oh yeah, and it's glow-in-the-dark. So if you wake up in the middle of the night it's easy to find.

Well, if you're like most people you're probably stressed out and tired and ready for Christmas to come and be gone already. Hopefully these toys gave you a laugh.

Merry Christmas, folks.

I Don't Want This for Christmas #6

Penthouse Laura Doone 1974 hairy pussy
This will give me nightmares. It's what I always pictured Ethel Merman's pussy looked like.

There's an episode of the 60s cartoon Super Chicken where the villian was a giant toupee, and this looks a helluva lot like it.

They should sell this to compete with Fleshlight's Stamina Training Units, because all you have to do is take a good look at this and it'll cool things down rapidly.

I Don't Want This For Christmas #5

Lotus Pussy Masturbator
Every time I think I see the worst male toy out there, I stumble on something worse. And if you think it looks bad from that angle, follow the link and take a look at the side.

I have no idea what this thing is supposed to be. I assume it's supposed to be a flower stamped onto a pair of disembodied boobs, but to me it looks like roadkill of some kind.

I'm not even sure where you're supposed to stick your john thomas.

I think it's a sex toy for a horror movie. If I saw that thing attached to my crotch, I'd scream like a little girl.

I Don't Want This For Christmas #4

Wet suction cup Setsugetsuka

Actually, I almost do want this--it's so insane how can you not like it? Four entries, no waiting! I'd suggested to a friend it would work great as a dildo/vibrator holder, like a knife rack on a kitchen countertop.

If you really want a hoot, read the description in its tortured english.

I Don't Want This For Christmas #3

Cyberflesh Mouth and Breasts
Two good things that don't go together here. The photo is actually less ridiculous here because typically I see it pictured upright, where it looks like some kind of alien. Here it looks like mutant fish.

Even if I were stuck on a lake by myself with nothing but a tacklebox and that gawdawful smelly garlic cheese bait, would I ever consider fucking this thing. Seriously--someone had to look at this thing and say, yeah, I'd sick my cock in that. Really???

Actually, that's a video I'd like to see on one of the x-rated tube sites. I think it would be comedy gold.

I Don't Want This For Christmas #2

This is in Japanese but you can figure it out from the photos.

There's so much easy comedy there that I'm not going to bother. I'll treat it seriously: on one hand it looks somewhat safe, in that if anything goes wrong, the toy portion of it is going to fall off. There is no firm physical connection between you and it.

On the other hand, even if it works, it looks like you could end up with friction burns. That's one of the last parts of my body that I want burned. One day I was cutting up chili peppers and got it on my hands, which eventually got there, and I thought that was hellish enough.

I Don't Want This For Christmas #1

I can't believe they sell these things.

Dirk Yates KP-20 Cyberskin Knob Polisher
WTF??? This must be a gag gift, because it worries me to picture the kind of psycho ex-vet or (worse) vet-wannabe who'd want to stick his dick into that thing. Who in their right mind would want to fuck a grenade? And if you do, then something made out of rubber isn't going to do it; you need to get down to the Army Surplus store and pick a (hopefully) inert one and do it right.

Jacking Off Shouldn't Be This Difficult

This is one of the big reasons I created this blog. I grew up in an era when we just did not discuss this sort of thing. Even when I was trading men's magazines with my friends in high school, we never spoke of it. I think the image was that we were all reading them at home in our wing-back leather chairs, wearing a smoking jacket and puffing a pipe. Visualizing each other in the reality of it, sitting on a toilet, trying to knock one out quietly in the middle of the afternoon in the hall bathroom, was a serious woodkill. If you thought about what your friends were really doing with those magazines, you wouldn't be able to get it up for a week.

This is exactly why I'm writing this blog: it's allowing me to discuss something that would never be talked about otherwise.

Some time, in a more appropriate post, I'll go into the social part of things, but for this post I'm just going to start with this background: I'm single, I'm not seeing anyone, I don't believe in one-night-stands or casual sex or hookers. Which means there's a whole lot of masturbation going on.

Some people can hump their right hand for their entire lives and love it, but for some of us it gets dull after awhile, no matter how much you like it. My hand is great, but it's not perfect. So every so often I start looking around for something else.

I've had a small variety of things over the years (which are grist for other posts). A few were terrible; a few were forgettable; and while I never found anything that was a great replacement for Rosie Palm and her five sisters, a few were worthwhile.

One of the toys I kept, and I still have it around, is called a "pussy & anus" (P&A) toy. It's a lump of some sort of rubber that's molded from a woman's genital area. Inside there are two channels, one from the "pussy" and one from the "anus," and they merge inside. The stem of that Y makes an air hole in the far end of the P&A (you normally don't see it in photos). That makes it much easier to clean, and you don't have to fight air pockets while you're using it. If you want suction, you just plug up the hole.

Most toys you hold in your hand, like a Fleshlight, and if you want a hands-free experience, you jam it in-between sofa cushions or mattresses or tape it onto a bedpost or whatever. A P&A is designed to be used hands-free. It's too heavy to use hand-held (you can, but you have to have Popeye forearms to sustain it). The bottom of it is flat and it's heavy, so it'll stay put where you set it.

And there lies the rub. I read a lot of product reviews and I never see anyone really discuss the true logistics on these things. For instance:

I don't want to "use my imagination" with this; it doesn't do it for me. I like to be watching something on the computer or the tv. That suddenly makes things very complicated, because the computer monitor is on a desk and the tv is on a bureau, which makes for comfortable viewing if you're in a chair.

I'm not in a chair if I'm using this thing.

The bed has two problems: if you're in a missionary position, you can't see the tv no matter which way I'm facing. The bed is against the wall so I can't go cross-wise. So unless I want to set up some elaborate mirroring system, the bed is out.

I could put it on the seat of the chair and attack it from a kneeling position, but the chairs are too high. Even my computer chair, at its lowest, is just a bit too high.

I could put it on a box, but finding a box that's the right height has been difficult. Plus the P&A is heavy, so if you use a cardboard box, the box shimmies and sways and bounces in ways you don't necessarily enjoy.

I find it's best on the floor, placed on a pillow or a sofa cusion. It's a comfortable height and I can stretch out. But I need another hinge in my neck because I can't get a good view of the tv.

The last place I was at, I had a console TV that could be comfortably viewed from floor level. (Wait—I now have a light, flat panel tv instead of the old monster CrT. I could easily set it on the floor—nope. I'd have to replace the cables with much longer ones.)

Anyway, that leaves books and magazines. Since I like to flip pages a lot, it becomes awkward. It's a bit like Gomez Addams reading a magazine while standing on his head, with that fast flick of the page so he doesn't unbalance himself. I find myself worrying more about turning pages than what I'm supposed to be doing.

Then there's the temperature. In the summer there's no problem, but in the winter you have to plan ahead. You have to fill the sink with hot water and submerge the toy for while to warm it up thoroughly. A small toy warms realtively fast, but a solid P&A acts as a heat sink. So unless you're into necrophilia, sticking your johnson into a cold block of rubber sends a chill right up your spine, taking all the blood back with it. And while you're at it, you gotta warm up the lube, too. Ever been in the middle of a glorious session and then pour what feels like icewater on it? Eeeeeaaaaaaaaggggghhh

Sometimes it seems like dating is less trouble.