Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Greaseless Mechanic

Along with the previous post about DIY home improvement shows, I have the same problem with car repair shows. Used to watch them, now—forget it.

Here's how a typical car repair show goes. Today we're going to restore this classic 1961 Ford Thunderbird. First we begin by ripping out single-reservoir, shoe brake system and replacing them entirely with a brand new dual-reservoir disc braking system*. Next we're going to rip out the original 6v wiring and replace it with 12 volt*. Then we're going to tear that ancient cap 'n points distributor ignition and replace it with a brand new, high energy, distributorless ignition*. Next we remove that crap stockblock V8 which cranked only about 110 horses on its best day, and we're going to bolt on new manifolds*, intake and exhaust, add racing cylinder heads* and a high throughput custom exhaust*. Then on the inside, we're going to remove the old AM radio and place it with a state of the art HD FM, Satellite/iPod/bluetooth GPS navigation system*. We're going to fit electric windows and locks* on all our doors, and a security system with Lo-Jack.*

About the only original thing left on this "restored" vehicle will be the windshield wipers.

And all of this will be done over the course of maybe 4 half-hour shows, each about 12 minutes long after you cut out commercials, teasers, recaps and assorted other shit. They'll do it without cutting themselves, making any mistakes, finding out that something doesn't fit, that the instructions are wrong, that a part is missing, or getting a streak of grease anywhere.

Meanwhile, I can't seem to replace a blown headlight on my car without knocking it out of time.

* donated by a sponsor

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